I like them both, but for different occasions. While they are similar, the facial expression and head tilt give two completely different looks. I guess I do like the first one a bit more, though, now that I've looked at them both about 3 times now. I agree that there needs to be less negative space on the right side of the first image. And as far as the shadow across the neck goes, it doesn't bother me.

Overall, I like these attempts better than your previous self-portraits. And honestly, I go for a more natural toned down look, so I actually like yours better than Jayson's edit (his looses a lot of detail in the shadows).